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New Love in 2022 – How do you know you are ready?
In the UK divorce lawyer and family mediation services are at the busiest time in the new year. The period immediately after the Christmas and new year holidays see a step in create and relationship breakdowns. If you are unlucky to be one of the people whose relationship did not survive the festive season. How do you proceed with your life in the months following a breakup?
Go Slowly
You would really want to take your time and avoid the urge to rush into a new relationship. Instead, go slowly. Some experts even suggest a waiting period of about a month before jumping into a relationship after ending one.
Answer vital questions about your love life
Before you go into a new relationship after a breakup, you would almost certainly want to answer some questions: question about the relationship that just ended, question about your part in the relationship, question about your choice in a partner and other similar questions.
1. Questions about the relationship that has just ended
Often, the relationships that ended have in them some lessons and experiences that can help an individual in forming a better relationship. The suggestion is you look into the relationship that has just ended for learning about yourself and what might help you become a better partner or what might help you choose a partner. Know what you did well and what you could have done better .
Below are some of the questions you would want to ask yourself:
- What do I think was the reason my last relationship did not work?
- Would my partner give the same reason or what would he/she say was the reason?
- How do I feel about my former partner?
- How intense are my feelings, both positive and negative?
- Is this relationship truly over or is there unfinished business with that partner?
- Am I still grieving the lost relationship or am I well over it?
2. Questions about your part in the past relationships
Relationships do not just end because of one person. The relationship that didn’t work was almost certainly not because of bad choices and actions of one person, part of the reason things went awry is connected to the interaction between you and your partner. Understanding your parts, both positive contributions and the parts that needed change might help you become a better partner in your next relationship.
- Do I sabotage myself in relationships?
- What have I learned that I have done well in relationships?
- Have I got any advice that might give me information about how to be a better partner in a relationship?
- What have I learned in my past relationships that I need to do differently in my new relationship?
3. Clarity of choices in a partner
Some people often make choices that are familiar and feel comfortable and as a result make the same mistakes over and over again. Healthy choices significantly increase the possibility of having a good relationship while negative ones leave a door open for problems to crawl into a relationship at some point.
I suggest you ask yourself these questions about your choice in partners.
- Am I looking to find something in someone else that I don’t have in myself?
- What have I learned about the choices that I make in partners?
- Do I know that I cannot change another person?
- Have I clearly identified what characteristics my partner should possess?
- Have I clearly identified what qualities and values are important to me in a partner?
- Am I more concerned about whether or not the other person is right for me than if I am right for them?
- Am I making the same mistakes over and over again when making a choice? (Do I often choose partners that are abusive? Disrespectful? Distant? Have difficulty with affection? etc.)
4. Ask yourself if you are truly ready for a new relationship
You must be a whole and healthy person to be part of a healthy relationship. Before entering a new relationship, it is important that you are comfortable with yourself and confident when you are on your own. That is just as important as having a companion and a witness to your life. You would want to assess your readiness for a new relationship and the list of questions below will help you.
- Do I feel strongly about myself ?
- Do I get my sense of self from my partner?
- Do I know what I want to get out of a committed relationship? Is it just for fun?
- Do I have any behaviors that are out of control?
- Do I know how to be an emotionally intelligent partner?
- Do I have other things going on in my life that are fulfilling and rewarding or do I spend my life around my dating partner?
- Is there anything that I am avoiding or afraid of?
- Do I know how to be open and direct about my needs with someone I am dating?
- Do I understand the basics of an emotionally intelligent relationship?
- Do I have other intimate (non-sexual) relationships?
You won’t figure out everything about yourself and others in relationships, no one ever does. However, by becoming clear about what you want and need in a relationship, you are more likely to find someone that can be healthy, whole and a good fit for you. The more you are able to understand and assess yourself and your partner, the more likely you are to become a better person and find yourself in an emotionally intelligent and loving relationship.
Read MoreHow to fall back in love with your partner
If you have been with your partner for a long time, you may feel as though you are both settled into a boring routine, you do the same thing day in day out, and you seem to be drifting apart. It may feel as though you are together out of convenience or because you have been together so long you wouldn’t know where to start being single.
It is not a nice feeling to know that the person, who you were so madly in love with and couldn’t keep your hands off, is now just someone to watch TV with and eat dinner with. If you long for the old days when your romance was so hot and your love for each other was so deep, read on, we will give you some handy advice on how you can rekindle your romance and fall back in love with your partner. It will take effort from the both of you to make this work so it would be a good idea to read this together.
- Go on date nights
Set up a “date night”. Dating is fun and exciting for most people, and a lot of relationships lose that aspect of their relationship the longer they are together, restore it by organizing a designated date night. Make the same effort you would if you were going on a date with someone else for the first time, dress up, go out and do the things that you both enjoy doing together.
- Don’t get too relaxed
We often get too comfortable in our relationships. Leaving the door open when you go to the bathroom, being a general slob or not taking care of your own personal hygiene are all ways we tell our partner that we don’t care about ourselves. If you show that you care about yourself, your partner will be more likely to feel the same way. Just because you have been together for a few years doesn’t mean that your partner doesn’t mind that you chew loudly while eating or that it’s ok to scratch and fart rudely.
- Space!!
Try taking a short break, sometimes we get so involved in life together that we forget that we also have lives apart from each other, it is goof to have some time to yourself or with friends away from your partner. Nobody wants to feel tied down and restrained. In order to rekindle love, it’s often necessary to spend time apart. As the old saying goes absence makes the heart grow fonder so plan a day away with friends or a movie night out where you can have fun away from work and from each other, then come back and tell each other about the fun things you got up to.
- You reap what you sow
Remember that the more you put into the relationship the more you are going to get back out of it. It’s a two way street and requires a little give and take. If you like going to funny movies but she prefers horror, then once and a while let her pick the movie. Or if his idea of a good time is to go bowling and then to the pub, arrange a bowling and pub night. It won’t go unnoticed and it will be much appreciated.
- Pick your battles
In any relationship there will be disagreement and conflict. The key here is to decide which issues are worth pursuing and which are better off ignored. By doing this, you’ll find much less negative energy between you. Anytime you feel annoyed or irritated, take a minute to examine the issue at hand, and ask yourself a few questions. “How important is this?” “Is this worth picking a fight over?” “What would be the benefit of choosing this battle versus letting it go?” if your partner has a really bad habit of squeezing the toothpaste from the middle of the tube and this disgusts you, it may have to be something that you get over, nagging and nagging about something which in the grand scheme of this is quite minor will only push you further apart. Know what is worth arguing over.
Relationships naturally flow with ups and downs which can be frustrating at times; especially if you are not able to feel the way you want to feel. But unless something has happened to change the way either of you feel about each other, you will be able to rekindle love in your relationship if you take the time to work at it
Read MoreHow to keep romance alive in a relationship
We all love the feeling of a new relationship, the romantic gestures, the butterflies you feel when you see your new partner, and the firework exploding passion in the bedroom, but with time as couples get more familiar with each other, this passion wanes and you may find yourself and your loved one settling into a comfortable rut. Now there is absolutely nothing wrong with being in routine, the fact that your relationship has survived past the honeymoon stage means that there is something more substantial to your relationship love than just flowers, dates and physical attraction. However, after some time couples tend to take each other’s feelings for granted and just assume they know what the other wants.
Remember how you felt when you first began a relationship with your partner, remember how excited you would get just knowing that they were coming to see you and how much time and effort you put into looking your best before they came, and how you would go the extra mile just because you knew it would put a smile on their face. Well these thoughtful gestures do not have to be a distant memory and here are some tips that can help you inject a dose of romance back into your relationship.
- You can start simply, if you know your significant other usually does the cooking or the chores, surprise them to their favourite cooked meal or the dishes washed and put away. It really is the little things that count and they will appreciate the fact that you were considerate enough to take one thing off their to do list so they could relax. You may find that it’s the simple things that are much appreciated.
- Go on a date night, this could be once a week or once a fortnight whatever your schedules allow. Many people under estimate how effective this is, but when you laugh over dinner, hold hands on the way to the cinema or giggle over cocktails at the bar, it reminds you of why you fell in love with your partner in the first place, rekindles your desire and affection for one another and creates even more precious memories. Creating memories is important, just as remembering a bad event takes you right back to that pain filled moment, casting your mind back on all the beautiful wonderful things you’ve experienced together puts a smile on your lips and fills you with warmth, ….make more good memories!!
- Have you noticed that your boyfriend could talk forever about football, or that your girlfriend would be a character in her favourite sitcom if she could? Try to take an interest in your partner’s hobbies and likes, it will bring you closer and even if you are not particularly interested yourself, your partner will definitely appreciate the obvious effort
- Plan an exciting activity holiday somewhere you have never been, enjoying this new experience will give you time to bond together and give you more beautiful memories to add to the already expanding collection. Have fun scuba diving, laugh at each other falling over whilst learning to ski; there are so many activities you can partake in together.
- Communication and affection are both very vital in keeping the romance alive in your relationship, in the early days of your relationship there was a lot of cuddling, snuggling and holding hands. Just because you have been with your partner for a while now does not mean the desire to hear the words I love you have disappeared or the desire to snuggle up on the sofa has expired. Even if your partner hasn’t necessarily mentioned this, you would be surprised to find out that they still yearn for this type of affection. Also communicate to your partner how much you love and appreciate them on a daily basis, don’t just assume that they know you love them, still tell them it is reassuring, comforting and it makes them feel loved.
A lot of people falsely believe that romance should come naturally and if it doesn’t or if the closeness begins to subside there is a problem. This is not true in the slightest, keeping romance alive in your relationship requires effort, attention and the willingness to learn new things about your partner and reconnect.
Read MoreMake your marriage infidelity proof
No marriage is affair proof, everyone marriage has to consider the possibility of being carried into an emotional affair or perhaps even sexual infidelity. There are some steps you can take to safeguard your marriage. Here are eight ways to do so:
- Stay honest: with yourself and with your spouse. If you find yourself attracted to someone, admit it quickly to yourself and to your spouse. Honesty is the key to preventing a relationship from escalating into infidelity. You may think to yourself, why? I haven’t actually acted upon my feelings; I haven’t done anything….yet. Saying something will probably cap it and stop it from progressing any further.
- Avoid: magazines, movies and other forms of entertainment that can increase your tolerance of affairs. This might seem a bit extreme but the soap operas and movies have normalised cheating and having a long-term affair as if it is just a normal, acceptable part of life. When you constantly watch something it goes into your sub consciousness and all of a sudden becomes normal, it also puts ideas into your head and you may even imagine yourself behaving like one of the characters. So if you don’t want to be the devastated couple that has had an affair made public to everyone in their local community, stay away from them.
- Try to see your relationships from your spouse’s perspective: What would your spouse be comfortable with? How would he or she feel about what you are doing? This will definitely help to avoid problems and arguments, obviously you will never have a perfect argument-free marriage, all couples disagree…but you can dodge the avoidable and needless ones. If you came home to a clean tidy house that your wife obviously spent time cleaning, don’t leave your shoes in front of the door, carelessly throw your coat on the stair banister and put your smelly steamy feet on the coffee table she just polished.
- Do not flirt: Most affairs begin with what’s considered “innocent flirting,” but there’s no such thing! Flirting is not a part of friendship. It is done with some kind of intention and do not fool yourself into believing that is harmless and light hearted. Would you blatantly flirt with another man or woman in front of your partner- if you had any respect for them or thought for their feelings – then the answer is NO!!
- Keep your marriage as your No. 1 priority: Make sure you are working to meet your spouse’s most important needs. If you’re not sure what those are, ask. This will make you even more valued, if you fulfil your partner’s most important needs it will make them feel as though you are one of a kind, and they wouldn’t be able to get that kind of love and dedication to their needs anywhere else apart from you.
- Take time for each other: go away for holidays, rediscover ad reconnect, you may think I live with my partner, I am with him/her every day I know what they like and dislike, but you may be surprised when you take the time to ask and listen to how your partner is feeling about your relationship so far, there may be things that they do not like but have been tolerating, their maybe an argument that they feel ever really got settled, there may be issues that your partner wanted to discuss with you but ever quite found the opportunity to until now.
- Set boundaries about how you will interact with the opposite sex: For instance, you and your spouse may decide that neither of you will be alone with someone of the opposite sex, even for business lunches or late nights at work. You may decide if working closely with the opposite sex is unavoidable, you will always work in a public place or at your home while your partner is around, there will ever be an opportunity for intimacy or flirting.
- Surround yourselves with happily married couples: who don’t believe in fooling around, the old sayings “Birds of a feather flock together” and “Show me your friends and I will tell you who you are” are extremely true. If your friends believe in monogamy and have the same beliefs and values as you and your partner, you will bounce ideas off each other as to how to sustain your marriages, if you each individually have friends who believe in promiscuity and keeping secrets from their partners, their influence may rub off on you and you may find yourself behaving as they do.
- Keep your sex life active and exciting: If a spouse feels neglected, unwanted or just tolerated, those feelings of being undesired could generate a big push toward someone else’s bed. Don’t think that you can allow your sex life to deteriorate without any consequences. If you think “he’s too old for that sort of thing” or “she is not the kind of person who would do such a thing” you may be sadly mistaken. Your partner may not intend to seek sexual healing in another person’s arms, but if you starve a person long enough they will eat anything. There are plenty of sex workshops that you can attend together, there are even some targeted towards the more mature couple, they are not meant to be embarrassing, and you will receive professional and practical advice from a qualified professional who has helped countless other couples.
You can keep your marriage safe from infidelity, whether an emotional affair or physical one. But it requires open, honest communication and a commitment to do whatever it takes to keep your marriage your No. 1 relationship.
Read MoreHow to get your boyfriend to propose
Do you think it’s about time your long-term boyfriend finally got down on one knee and made honest women out of you? Do you feel as though all your friends are getting married and even though have been faithfully committed to your partner for some time now he is dragging his feet about proposing? Does your heart skip a bit anytime you watch an engagement scene on the TV? And do you stare adoringly at the secret Bride to be magazines you have hidden under your pillow? Well we have some tips that might help him pull his finger out and put a ring on that perfectly manicured and ready finger of yours…read on for how we can get you walking down the aisle in no time!!
Have faith: Believe in your relationship, behave as though have full confidence about his love for you, show him that you have full confidence in your relationship and the chances of his proposing to you will increase. Don’t over-act sand scare him away, just enjoy this natural feeling of confidence and relaxation about you two being together as a couple.
Charm him: Use our feminine wiles and charms as your weapons, be alluring. You are his dream woman, everything he wants in a potential wife you have to be that you are funny, sexy, and homely and you’re the only woman for him and the only woman he can see himself with in the future.
Drop subtle hints: Dropping hints is an excellent idea. When you see a guy proposing marriage or a couple getting married in a movie hug him tight. Get excited over friends getting married. These little moments can help a lot in getting your man to propose, don’t overdo it and be blatantly obvious be subtle about it, drop the idea into his head without him even realising it.
Talk about your mutual future: you don’t have to mention this too often, especially if he finds it hard to think long-term or of a lifetime commitment. A few hints here and there could have a great effect and help him think of you two living together in a realistic way and not as some far off future. Mentioning your plans for next summer, and counting him in of course, planning a change in your lifestyle together with him, instead of by yourself, will create a light-hearted feeling of a life time partnership.
Address his fears: Maybe he’s concerned that once you get married, you’ll somehow, and settle into a comfort zone, or he is worried that after getting married he’ll be forced to immediately start working on starting a family. It is very possible that he is insecure and that where he is now in life is not where he wants to be when he gets married maybe he envisages himself with a better paying job a nicer family house and stability in his finances. Maybe he feels that his current situation can’t provide the luxuries he wants to bestow on his future wife can he afford a ring that is up to your standard, the wedding of your dreams and the honeymoon he knows you’ll want. You need to put his mind at ease about all these sorts of issues.
Make a decision: If marriage is something that you cannot live without and something that he is not interested in, then you are with the wrong person. The only alternative is to rethink your own position on marriage. If being with him means more than getting married, then you need to change your own opinion. If you’ve had a good relationship up to this point, don’t let it go right now just because he hasn’t asked yet. You want him to want to marry you: nagging him about it, breaking into crying fits over it, and threatening to leave him if he doesn’t propose immediately will not get you what you want.
Read MoreHow to deal with the in-laws
If you plan on having a long relationship with your partner, then you are going to have to find a way to get along with their parents and siblings. It is a very common problem for married couples and even couples who aren’t married to not hit it off with their relatives. Now this could be for a host of different reasons, you may find that they are snobbish and condescending, they might feel like you aren’t good enough for their baby, whatever the reason, neither of you are going anywhere anytime fast, so in order to make weddings, Christmases and birthdays more comfortable we’ve got some handy tips that will help you to get along better with your in-laws:
Don’t make your partner choose:
Don’t ever put your partner in a situation where he has to choose between you and his family, because, your in laws are an extremely important part of your spouse’s life and therefore they are an important part of your life. Saying that it is important for your partner to know that when they get married and start a family their priority is the new family they have started and they should never allow that to be disrespected, it is your partners responsibility to stick up for you and not allow his or her family to disrespect you.
Set boundaries
Every man has another women in his life apart from his wife, and that other women is his mother, but don’t let your man take it too far and say things like, “my mother does it this way”, or” my mother doesn’t think that’s right”. When he says things like this simply tell him that if he wants it done his mother’s way, he should go and live with her.
Respect
Even if your in-laws don’t deserve it always show them respect, don’t feel stupid, apart from the fact that you are being the bigger person, you are not allowing yourself you get dragged into arguments, don’t respond to petty jibes or insults. It is your partners responsibility to resolve the issues between you and you in-laws, if you remain calm, polite and respectful regardless of the painful thing your in-law says, it will make it easier for your partner to fight your corner and show that you are obviously not the problem, on the other side of the spectrum this doesn’t mean you should be a doormat, choose your battles, if your in-law says something that is out of order stand your ground and your partner should definitely back you up
Make an effort to build a relationship
We are not suggesting that you become best friends, but you can certainly make an effort to get to know your problem in-law more by spending some one-to-one time with them. You can start by going round for a cup of tea and a little chat, going shopping or taking your children swimming together. Take baby steps to begin with and in time your relationship will grow stronger. You might actually realise that you have some things in common
Never let your in laws see you moody or upset, even when they are being purposely stand offish and rude. It gives them he satisfaction that they are getting to you, or it make it obvious that you can’t stand being around them. Force yourself to be pleasant and this may sound like a contradiction but try as hard to make it seem natural. You need to always come across like a nice loving in-law who genuinely wants to get on with your other half’s side of the family because you are.
Code word: Have a code word that you and your partner use when the atmosphere is getting too heavy or the tension is getting too much. Use this code word when you are at you in laws place to let your partner know that you have stayed for a sufficient amount of time and you would now like to leave.
You can’t choose your partners family and unfortunately they comes as a package, you just have to make the most out of the situation and try to turn it around in your favour.
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